1. |
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The more too much I feel the more I become
I’m so insensitive when I’m lonely
Am I being too dramatic?
Why do people always spit me back out?
I want everyone to like me all the time
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2. |
Eternity
04:27
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I don’t know how to reach you
I don’t know how to breathe you
I’m always stuck in this hall of mirrors
Oh tell me now do you feel it
I can’t stop but I’m using you up
I touch myself but I’m losing your touch
Did I miss some sign
I know I’m running out of time
Tell me I’m real, Tell me you know how I feel
Please don’t leave me behind
Look at the mess you’ve made of me
Every minute is eternity
Look at the mess you’ve made of me
Every second is eternity
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3. |
Too Little Too Late
03:22
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Please don’t make me feel this way
I’m so tired of this game
I have nothing left to say
It’s too little and it’s too late
I always want you to crack
And I know I overreact
But it’s too late you don’t understand what you did to me
Oh just let me be
Please don’t make me feel this way
I’m so tired of this game
I have nothing left to say
It’s too little and it’s too late
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4. |
Poisons
03:39
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you're gonna drink down the world's most painful poisons
that's what wanting love is
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5. |
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I still feel like I haven’t arrived and the places are all a jumble. The city is too small and also enormous. I pass by the same places in my car like I’m on a ride at Disneyworld, the track takes you the same way every time. The same Best Buy Krispy Kreme, the way the Best Buy Krispy Kreme looks from the window. I’m still waiting for someone to reveal themselves because I’m never at the center of the city or my life. My sister said she could never live in the valley because of our grandparents, our great-grandparents and the track they were so stuck on but we didn’t know them. They were just characters in a sad story or smiling faces on a billboard, selling an expensive happiness and so I find them everywhere and nowhere.
I’m falling, I’m just falling, grabbing at things, scraping my fingers along the walls, soft pads and then nails, away from him, far from him but touching the wall as him. So many people still live in me and I dress them up and hang them on the walls. I believe in more and more. I stack on layers. I add to them. I write and rewrite conversations, I feel them, I repeat. And then I forget. I make the same mistakes.
Here I am hungover again.
Here I am hungover again.
Here I am hungover again.
Did you think you could erase me? Of course you would write me as a punchline, how you, how us. I am only a character now even to myself and your words might as well become my memories and I hate you for rewriting me so empty, for rewriting us as just anyone.
Your story is empty, the people are flat.
Our life was empty, and we were so flat.
You wish you could rewrite me and erase the pain but don’t forget it sleeps lightly between the lines, like my hand hesitating at your bellybutton.
How does it feel to hear me tell it?
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6. |
Over My Head
03:05
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You’re the last thing I see
When I fall over the edge
You’re my favorite way
To get in over my head
You’re all I need to feel alive
You’re all I see when I look inside
But I, oh I, am always lost on you
And I, oh I, will always be lost for you
I can never answer
What it is I want from you
And I know I’ll never tell you
Anything that’s true
I’ll always be under your sea
And I just want you to need me
But I, oh I, am always lost on you
And I, oh I, will always be lost for you
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7. |
Broken Shell
03:08
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I always feel you in the morning
I hear your voice every day
I can never seem to let these things go and
I should have known you wouldn’t stay
I know you never can tell
But when you’re done with him I’ll be here in my broken shell
I’m always speechless when I see you
I never know what to say
It doesn’t matter cause you don’t hear me and
I should have known you’d leave me empty and grey
I know I do it to myself
When you’re done with him I’ll be here in my broken shell
I can never seem to get it right
And there’s still no end, no end in sight
I can never seem to get it right
And I know I’ll miss you all my life
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8. |
All This Time
04:10
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Where did the time go
Where did that spirit go
I see her dancing there
Red dress and wild hair
I still hear her laugh
I still feel her cry
She was a firefly
Alone in the night sky
Would you come back home
Give me back your smile
Give me back your eyes
And take back all this time
She still haunts me
I feel her breath on me
She left and took her lies
She left with no goodbyes
I’m all out of steam
Dried up and empty
She’s always so proud
And I need her now
Would you come back home
Give me back your smile
Give me back your eyes
And take back all this time
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9. |
Burn
04:23
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I’m gonna lose my mind thinking about you
I’m gonna lose my mind dreaming about her
When she leaves I lose her so slow
And if I run to you will she let me go
I hide myself in the fire
Burn until I feel you breathe
You know I can’t go any higher
Burn me like you’ll never leave
I want her so bad but I reach for you
I let you touch me but it’s all blue
When she leaves I lose her so slow
But if you hold me now I don’t know
I hide myself in the fire
Burn until I feel you breathe
You know I can’t go any higher
Burn me like you’ll never leave
I always jump into the flames
Burn until I feel you breathe
Please say that you feel the same
Burn me like it’s all you need
What did you want to hear
Tell me you need me, tell me you see me
Why is it so unclear
Tell me you feel me, tell me you’ll heal me
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10. |
Dolly's Interlude
03:57
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The dirtbag comes to me at night.
A slick black hide inches towards me.
An eye opens--huge, bulging, yellow and in the face of it I feel acutely, painfully, the shape of my arms and legs curled sideways on the bed.
But then it wraps around me, circling its body to fit mine, and the slime dissolves whatever I had painted myself with.
Dolly would always say, “That will be me.”
She is not my friend but a demon who possessed me, the barbie in the computer game I dressed up in red and called Satan.
I wanted to grow like a different plant into her, enough leaves to hide my lumpy middle.
But she is fickle, without an audience she gets bored of me and then I have to wait.
I get so angry.
Alone in my house what is the point of these painted nails?
I am not doing enough, not good enough to do enough.
My stomach shrinks until everything tastes like cardboard.
I am convinced there is a parasite inside me, sucking me in, consuming me from the inside out, and her name could only be Dolly.
On a silver chain around her neck is a heart-shaped diamond, a diamond which is really a dump, a trash can for all our fantasies, which it swallows and shits back out in every direction.
I want to be in it digesting, floating in stomach acid and becoming every dream at once.
I want to be everyone at once.
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Dolly Dirtbag Los Angeles, California
gemini drag queer // trash diva // slug queen
LA-based avant-pop singer, songwriter and producer
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